📜 Terms of Service

Effective Date: 8/15/2025

Welcome to Jabroni All-Star at https://jabroniallstar.com, home of merch, supplements, coffee, Failurenaire wisdom, and elite jabroni energy. Before you browse, buy, or belly laugh your way through our content — read these rules of engagement.

By accessing or using this website, you agree to these Terms of Service. If you don’t agree… go ahead and hit that back button like a sore loser.

1. 👕 Products, Orders & Payments

We sell things like:

T-shirts and stickers (via Printify)
Supplements and coffee (white-labeled but awesome)
AI-written joke books by our mascot Failurenaire
Vibes, mostly

All payments are processed securely through third-party services like Shopify, Printify, PayPal, and others. We don’t see your credit card details — just your name, order, and a confirmation that you were awesome enough to buy something.

We reserve the right to:

Refuse service to rude or sketchy people
Cancel or refund orders (if necessary)
Change prices at any time, even during a midlife crisis

2. 📦 Shipping, Returns & Refunds

Shipping

Our merch is printed and shipped by Printify. Shipping times vary, especially if you live in a bunker or on a mountain.
Supplements and coffee ship separately.

Returns

We don’t accept returns unless the item is defective or damaged. Because we print on demand, each item is custom-made — like a jabroni’s excuses.
If there’s an issue, email us at jabroniallstar@gmail.com and we’ll make it right (within reason).

3. 🧠 Intellectual Property

All content on this site — including the Jabroni All-Star™ name, logo, product names (like “Vita-Jabroni”), and original content created by Failurenaire — is owned by us. You may not:

Steal it
Copy it
Slap it on your cousin’s crypto project

We own the rights. Don’t be a jabroni about it.

4. 🤡 Humor, Satire, & Disclaimer

A lot of this site is meant to be funny, ridiculous, or motivational in a totally unlicensed, semi-delusional way.

Failurenaire’s advice? Satire.
AI books like “How to Make the UFC in 6 Months”? Clearly satire.
Product names like “Morning Woodless” decaf coffee? Also satire.

Nothing on this site should be taken as professional medical, financial, or life advice. Consult a doctor, lawyer, or therapist before following any real-world suggestions we make.

5. 🔐 Privacy

We collect basic info to process orders and track analytics. Check our Privacy Policy for the full scoop. We don’t sell your info. That would make us jabronis.

6. 🚨 User Conduct

Please don’t:

Use our site to commit fraud
Try to hack us
Spam other users
Post anything creepy, illegal, or just plain lame

If you do, we’ll boot you faster than a first-round UFC rookie.

7. 🛠️ Modifications to the Site

We may update, redesign, or shut the whole thing down without warning. Hopefully we don’t — but just in case the Failurenaire blows something up behind the scenes, you've been warned.

8. ⚖️ Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of the United States. Disputes will be handled in the most jabroni-efficient legal way possible — hopefully none.